This was originally written 9 years ago, much has happened since then, but I still want to share. Tony’s birthday is coming up again, and Jenniffer has been gone for 39 years now. It’s a blessing to know that God is good, all the time. Even when we are grieving our empty nest, God is good, and He is a good Father, and He has a plan for a future and a hope for His children! Please enjoy:
After church this morning, Gary and I headed to Sears. Tony’s birthday is the 22nd, and we were shopping for his gift. We decided on a Craftsman 26 gallon Air Compressor and the air tools that go with it. We were happily shopping and comparing prices in the tool section, Gary was joyously grunting and scratching with the excitement of being around so many tools. Then it happened. I saw the photography studio.
Years and years of memories hit me like a tsunami! They flooded my heart and I drowned in them! I honestly could not stay afloat in all those memories! Just yesterday, the childhood lifetime of my kids was photographed in that studio! Just yesterday, I was telling my boys to “smile” for the camera, and to not crawl on the dirty floor. Just yesterday! I had a complete, unabashed meltdown! I was crying and blindly trying to find my way back to the Craftsman Tool section when Gary spotted me. His first thought was that I’d been attacked and stabbed, and he was scanning my body for wounds. I could not find the words to explain the attack on my heart in the photography studio. Poor Gary just held me in the Craftsman Tool section of Sears. And I sobbed. I didn’t even care what other customers thought. I lost it.
How can it be that yesterday I sat with my babies in those very chairs waiting to have them photographed for birthdays, Easter and Christmas and the next day I find myself shopping for an Air Compressor for my man-son? It’s just too horrible. I am not recovering from this mornings episode very quickly.
As I write this, I’m still crying, my eyes are swollen, and I’m a disaster. The really pathetic thing is, I don’t even want to feel better. I want to wallow in my misery. Clearly, I’m a weird, sick person. Am I supposed to get used to the fact that the beautiful childhood of my children is history? Why yes, yes I am! And I have to thank God for those days, and move on, thanking God and praying for more days with my sons. More days with my sons . . . . my goodness gracious, I have so much to look forward to!
Two days ago was the anniversary of the death of my cousin. She was shot in the head by a stranger 30 years ago. She was only 8. My Aunt and Uncle will never “get used” to living without Jenniffer. They would love to have been able to buy their adult daughter a birthday gift. Oh how they would have loved to mourn an empty nest. I thank God that I am not in their situation, but today, it feels like I am, and I am sad.