And if I Die Before I Wake, From My Ashes a Cyclamen Make!


Psalm 63:4 Thus I will bless Thee while I live; I will lift my hands in Thy name!


With our recent move and purchase of a new (old) home, it was time to update our Living Trust. The whole process of updating the trust was very time-consuming, costly, and one of great frustration. There’s so much involved in updating a trust; for example, there’s the trust itself, the wills, the general powers of attorney, health care directives, community property agreement, assignment, certificate of trust, and last but not least, the actual funding of the trust and asset list. Grueling, to be sure.

One of the issues we had to discuss while updating the trust, was our last wishes. I’d always known that I would prefer to be cremated. The thought of rotting away in a coffin has never appealed to me. I’m sure the morbid song from my youth about being buried, “The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play pinochle on your snout!” didn’t help. As well, my husband was part of an Urban Search and Rescue Team sent to New Orleans during Katrina, and the stories about the bodies and empty coffins floating away was pretty much the nail in the coffin (pun intended) for my decision to be cremated. Then there’s those TV shows like “Bones” or “NCIS” where they find skeletal remains or have to exhume someones body; all these things have made me pretty certain that I want to be cremated and have a clean and permanent end to my corpse. No floating away in a hurricane for my old bones! I’ve often thought I’d like to be recycled and have my ashes buried with seeds that will grow into something beautiful!

Our Estate Planning Attorney told us about these wonderful biodegradable urns in which family members can place the ashes of their loved ones. These urns can come with seeds of favorite trees or bushes! So, clearly, I opted for the biodegradable urn. My family can use the urn to recycle me!

The first choice of tree or bush I wanted to be recycled with was a lilac. The beautiful fragrant flower has been a long time favorite of mine. They are very hearty, and don’t need much attention, just a little sunshine and water, and they flourish pretty well. Sadly, they do not love to grow in Fallbrook.

Lilacs require a freeze, and Fallbrook doesn’t provide that. Fallbrook’s average temperature is 71. No freeze, no frost. Nada. An expert botanist at Myrtle Creek, the local botanical garden here in Fallbrook said that she too loves lilacs, and planted one. She tried to trick it into thinking it was getting a freeze by packing it in ice. The lilac was not fooled, and after struggling for a few months, it died. I do not want whatever plant is nourished by my ashes to die.  That would be so . . . redundant . . . so lilacs are not an option.

I thought of being recycled as an apple tree, fig tree, passion fruit, or boysenberry bush, but felt it might be a little morbid to have my children and my grandchildren and great grands eating the fruit that grew from my ashes. Call me silly, but I want to be a non-fruit-bearing tree or plant. Non-fruit-bearing and beautiful!

Many years ago my boss gave me a live plant for some special occasion, it was a Cyclamen. It had a beautiful bright pink flower with leaves that had several different shades of green in them. What struck me about the Cyclamen, was that the stem grew up, straight up, as stems tend to do, but when it produced a blossom, the stem did a U-turn and grew straight down! When the blossom bloomed into a flower, it was pointing straight down to the ground, but somehow, the petals of the flower defied gravity and the direction of the stem, and grew straight up to the sky! Its beautiful petals reaching for the heavens!


I want to be recycled as a Cyclamen! The beautiful flower reminds me that when things are looking down, we need to raise our petals to the Lord on high!

Job 22:26 says “Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God!” Psalm 3:3 says “But you, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high!”   Isn’t that a beautiful fact? The Lord is a shield around us, He is our glory, He’s the one who lifts us!

This is fact, this is truth! And when we find ourselves face down in the mud of depression, addiction, anxiety, sadness, loneliness; when our grief over a prodigal child, barren womb, or seriously ill loved one overwhelms and overtakes us; when we find ourselves taking a sudden U-turn toward thoughts of self-harm, there is hope! He is your shield! He will lift your head and rescue you from hopelessness into hope!

Psalms 121:1-3 says “I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth! He will not let your foot slip.  He who watches over you will not slumber!”

Against all odds, when we feel that everything is looking down, He will give us the strength to lift our faces and our hands and our very souls to the heavens and praise Him for His goodness and mercy which is ours all the days of our lives! Psalms 86:4 says “Rejoice in the soul of Thy servant! For unto Thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul!”  God rejoices in my soul.  God rejoices in your soul!

I know there have been times, and there will continue to be times when I make a spiritual U-turn away from God. But God is good, and He will redirect me every time! As the Cyclamen lifts its petals to the heavens so we can lift our hearts and hands unto God in the heavens! Lamentations 3:41 says “Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens!”


Yes! Let’s do! And in my case, I will continue, metaphorically, after death to lift up my face, hands, heart and soul to God in the heavens through the uplifted petals of the beautiful Cyclamen!

Lord, How you love to see us bloom! How you love to see your creation lifting our hands, hearts, heads and our very souls to You! In fact, You love it so much, that You intercede and lift us into Your presence when we are too down trodden to come to You on our own!  You are a shield around us, protecting and deflecting and holding us close!  Father God, when we do an abrupt U-turn away from You, find us, lift us, bring us home, into Your presence.  Thank You for your faithfulness to us, Your humble creation!

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I'm a daughter, sister, wife, aunt, mom, mom-in-law, and Mimi! More than that, I'm a sinner saved by grace. Sometimes life opens up and reveals lessons that I love to share! My hope is that you will enjoy some of the life experiences that I will be writing in this blog and be blessed by them. I love to share what God puts on my heart!

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