The Deep End

I was drowning.  Surprisingly, I felt calm and peaceful.

blue blur color dark
Photo by Blaque X on

Quiet. Such Quiet. Weightless. Such weightlessness. Quiet, weightless, calm. One would think that I might be afraid of the water after nearly drowning, but the truth is, I love it! I love to be under water! Calm, peaceful, quiet, weightless and still. Nothing. Nothing could penetrate the deep, deep quiet. Nothing, that is until my mother jumped into the pool and rescued me!

It was like waking up after having been somewhere between awake and asleep, suspended, floating, quiet and calm. What I remember about my mother rescuing me is just that, quiet and calm. One minute, I was sinking, the next minute, I was sitting on the edge of a hotel pool next to my mama, who was quiet and calm. Maybe she didn’t feel quiet and calm, but that was the vibe in which she blanketed me. There was no condemnation. No condemnation for the behavior I chose that would result in me slipping away into the deep end of the hotel pool, and her having to dive in to save me. No condemnation for my choices, just rescue. Rescue.

I was young, elementary aged, and my memory may not be exactly accurate, but it is my memory.  And ones memory can not be disputed. My family;  parents, older brother and younger sister were moving to a new home in a new state and were staying in a hotel. This hotel had a soda machine that took nickels. It had grape soda and orange soda for a nickel! On this particular day, I was enjoying an orange soda when I decided to make my way back in the pool under the watchful eye of my mama.

Fascinating, just fascinating the way other people in the pool were stretched out like the horizon and moving across the water; something I couldn’t seem to accomplish. Every time I took my feet off of the pool floor, I began to sink. So I kept my feet on the pool floor.

Being a young child, I was proficient in thinking within my desires and dreams rather than within my reality. I decided that it would be a good idea, a smart option, to start walking from the safe shallow end of the pool, step by step, into the deep end to see just how far I could go.

Psalm 1 – Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the path of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the scornful; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he mediates day and night. He shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither. And whatever he does shall prosper. The ungodly are not so, but are like the chaff which the winds drives away. Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous! For the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the ungodly shall perish.

Step by deadly step I walked into the depths of the deep end. I found myself bouncing, as it were, on my toes, to keep my head above water, until that one step. That one step that was just a little too deep, and I couldn’t bounce back up to life-giving oxygen. That one step when quiet weightlessness took hold of me and put me into complete and total submission to the thing into which I was walking. The deep end.

It seemed like an eternity. An eternity in which I was suspended in the grip of the deep end and unable to breathe, completely enveloped by the water into which I willingly and purposefully walked. Quiet, weightless, calm, as the water claimed me.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, there were strong arms around me! I could feel gravity pulling me down even as strong arms defied the pull and brought me to the surface of the water which had completely engulfed me, drawing me down, down, down . . . . . down.

My sweet mama had not for one second taken her eyes off me, and before any lifeguard could even think about jumping in to rescue me, she did! Fully clothed, quite possibly fresh from the salon, my mama dived into the water and brought me to the surface where I would find breath. Life. She brought me to the surface where I could find life.

I clearly remember the moment I found myself sitting on the edge of the pool with my mom. She was drenched, sitting there next to me, both of us with our legs hanging over the side of the pool. I can still envision her clothed legs and feet in the water, and I thought I was going to be in BIG trouble! But all she said to me was “Are you alright baby?” as she placed one hand on my thigh and the other around my shoulders. No questions. No condemnation. Grace. Just grace. And love. Grace and love.

How easy it would have been for her to scream accusations at me! “Why would you?” “I told you not too!” “How could you?” “Do you know what could have happened?” But she said nothing. Nothing – which screamed in my ears louder than words ever could! Her nothing said “I love you!” Her nothing said “Regardless of your choices, I love you!” “I will always be there for you, no matter what! I love you!” “I would gladly give my life for you! You are my precious child!”

Fast forward 25 years. I was sitting on the beach in Hawaii on the North Shore. I was 7 months pregnant with my second child. I had my sweet one year old on my very pregnant lap when I noticed my husband, who was in the water, frantically signalling me with his arms. There was a giant rogue wave coming into shore that was sure to take me, my unborn baby and my one year old out to sea! I tried to get up and run, but it was too late.

Before I knew it, I was being dragged to sea! I dug my heels into the sand and fought against the pull of the water. In my hands, I tightly gripped the hands of my one year old son as the sea tried to rip him from me. I could feel the sand disintegrating around my dug-in feet, but I held on to my son as tightly as I could, his little body being ripped from my grip by the torrents of the powerful rogue wave.

In the midst of the torrential pull on my son from my hands, I felt arms around me. Big, strong, all-encompassing arms around me! Strong arms pressing my son, whose hands were now embedded in mine as though they were one, securely against my pregnant belly.  Peace. Calm. Quiet. Weightless. I found myself, and my son, being brought against the current to the shore in the arms of strong men whose faces we would never see. These rescuers whom we would never be able to properly thank.

Without explanation or pause for thanks, our rescuers disappeared into the Hawaiian rain forest. These were big Samoan men. Extraordinarily big men. They rescued us. If my memory serves, there were two of them helping me, and two helping my friend. But they disappeared before we could acknowledge or thank them. Saved. Rescued without a word. No word of condemnation, no exhortation about how we should not have been on that beach on that day, nothing. Nothing but quiet rescue.

frozen wave against sunlight
Photo by Hernan Pauccara on

It was my mother’s love for me that caused her to dive into the pool the day she saved me. Love that was much deeper than the water which so effortlessly held me. There is no doubt in my mind that the giant Samoans were literal angels who saved me, my son and my unborn child. Again, a rescue fueled by deep, deep love. My mom and my angels saved my life and the lives of my children.  But the deep, deep love of Jesus saved my soul.

There are times when I am tempted to walk into the deep end of some hypothetical ocean and find myself bobbing up and down on my toes between my choices. There are times when I feel I am being dragged into the depths of the deepest sea by a rogue wave. One I never even saw coming. I am very aware that there is someone who would like to see me drown. Someone who would like to see me slip away into his snares. But guess what? I have been rescued! I have been saved! Jesus Christ, God’s Son, my Savior, willingly, quietly and calmly left the grip of His Father and came to my rescue on the cross. And He came for you too!

Do you find yourself bouncing up and down on your tiptoes in the deep end trying to get a breath of air? Are you suspended in the grip of something that is pulling you down, deeper and farther away? Do you need to be rescued? Turn to Jesus! He will bring you – against the current – to the surface of your situation and to the shores of His love and grace! In Him there is no condemnation, just rescue. Be rescued today.

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I'm a daughter, sister, wife, aunt, mom, mom-in-law, and Mimi! More than that, I'm a sinner saved by grace. Sometimes life opens up and reveals lessons that I love to share! My hope is that you will enjoy some of the life experiences that I will be writing in this blog and be blessed by them. I love to share what God puts on my heart!

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